A source tells me that the Icelandic volcano eruption in 2010 that spewed ash and inconvenience all over Europe has negated every single effort we have made over the previous half a decade to control the dreaded CO2 emissions that are CHOKING OUR PLANET and DESTROYING MOTHER EARTH and causing Al Gore to go all red in the face.

Can this be? Years of effort to recycle everything and waste nothing—and all we get is the short end of the enviro-stick?

Who could believe a volcano, one of Mother Nature’s special wonders, would turn on us like this? After all, volcanoes are part of nature, and nature is always natural, and everything natural is good. I’m guessing that volcano carbon is the GOOD carbon, and stuff like cow flatulence is the BAD carbon! But no, cows are part of nature, too, so...

Ok, maybe volcanoes and cow flatulence are the GOOD carbon, and bike riding instead of driving is also good… So it's volcanoes and cow flatulence and bike riding that are good, and flying around on airplanes that is bad.

...Unless you fly around on airplanes going to climate change conferences where you listen to speeches about how to protect the world from people who fly around on airplanes for other reasons—selfish reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with SAVING THE PLANET.

Now we're getting somewhere. So volcanoes and cow flatulence and bike riding and flying for the RIGHT REASONS are good. Everything else is bad.

...Except for hurricanes and tornadoes and earthquakes and tsunamis, which can’t be bad because they are also natural—just more fine examples of Mother Nature’s wondrous bounty of delightful treats.

So volcanoes and hurricanes and tornadoes and earthquakes and tsunamis and cow flatulence and bike riding and flying for the RIGHT REASONS are good.

...Unless the volcanoes and hurricanes and tornadoes and earthquakes and tsunamis are somehow caused by global warming, which has absolutely nothing to do with nature, and everything to do with humans driving around in SUVs.

So volcanoes and hurricanes and tornadoes and earthquakes and tsunamis and cow flatulence and bike riding and flying for the RIGHT REASONS are good, UNLESS some of those things are caused by global warming, which is all our fault and not a part of nature at all.

Everything else is bad, and makes more of the bad carbon, which kills plants and... but wait... plants live on carbon, and turn the planet green, and green is natural and therefore good (besides being everybody’s favorite color), and so carbon must be...

Ok, how about this: maybe the GOOD carbon makes the plants grow, and the cows eat the plants and emit the good flatulence, and then the right-thinking people eat the cows, which gives them the strength to ride their bicycles and fly around on airplanes saving the world from other people who don't have the communal decency to eat cows or ride bicycles...